


Absolute Destiny Metalocalypse: Revenge of the Crackfic

by Hokuto



Series: Absolute Destiny Metalocalypse [3]
Category: Metalocalypse, Shoujo Kakumei Utena | Revolutionary Girl Utena
Genre: Aphrodisiacs, Asian Character, Christmas, Crossover, Daddy Issues, Dubious Consent, Dysfunctional Family, M/M, New Year's Eve, Pets
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-03-09
Updated: 2010-03-09
Packaged: 2017-10-07 20:02:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 1,713
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/68734
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hokuto/pseuds/Hokuto
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Further short fics in the <a href="http://archiveofourown.org/works/15476">Absolute Destiny Metalocalypse</a> continuity.  Because it is impossible to resist, that's why.  Third fic is a drabble meme response for <a href="http://lemone.livejournal.com/">Lemone</a>.</p><p>Chaptered just for convenience so I can have the lot of these in one place, but more is likely to come (one day) in a separate post.  XD</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Pets

If there was one rule that most of Dethklok managed to remember ninety-five percent of the time, it was to stay out of Charles's private office. They could go (almost) anywhere and do (pretty much) anything else, but Charles's private office was the definition of off-limits. In fact a lot of the time they couldn't even remember where it was, or where his regular office was, either.

Toki was usually very good about following that rule, but it was almost Christmas and he couldn't think of anything for Charles and it was okay to poke around just a little bit, right? In the spirit of Christmas? It had to be okay, especially if Charles loved his present, and Toki was going to get him the bestest present _ever_, if he could figure out what that would be.

He poked the lock with his Dethphone until it fell off, and went straight for Charles's desk. There wasn't anything on top of it, but Toki was sure there'd be some hints in one of the drawers...

"Grrwrrgh!"

"AAAAAAAAH WHATS THE F@#%S GETS AWAYS AAAAAAAH -"

A pair of hands reached past Toki and grabbed the snarling animal, and a familiar fussy voice said, "All right, Mr. Growley, you've made your point..."

"Charles?" said Toki. "Whys the hells does yous haves a wolverines ins your desks?"

The wolverine curled up in the manager's arms and bared its teeth at Toki; Charles said absently, "He was injured, my aunt found him at her school - she didn't have enough space in her dorm room for any more animals, so she brought him to me. Yes, you are a good boy, aren't you, Mr. Growley, very good." He scratched beneath the wolverine's chin and it looked up at him with adoring eyes, purring.

"That's crazys!" Toki said. "Yous can'ts keeps a wolverines, they's dangerous!"

"Nonsense, he's perfectly well-behaved - unlike certain people." Charles put Mr. Growley down on the desk, and the animal wriggled back into the desk drawer, from whence it peeked out, giving Toki the evil eye. "Now, Toki, I believe we might need to have another talk about not coming into my office uninvited..."

Toki twisted his Santa hat in his hands and thought miserably, _Oh f@#%s_.


	2. Fatherklok Redux

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Charles is not the only spawn of Akio in this universe.

Skwisgaar's phone rang, and he picked it up. "Yellos?"

"知っているのか?　誰が君の父だ。。。" said a deep and lovely voice.

"Hwats?"

"ああ？　すみませんー in English, then -"

"Sorry, wrong number," Charles said, and took it away.

"Heys, dat's my phonenks!" said Skwisgaar. "You can'ts justs takes my phones, dude, that amnt's cool."

Charles wasn't listening; he was talking to the deep voice on the phone, and he sounded angry, or at least as angry as Charles ever sounded. "I thought we had an agreement," he said. "How did you find his number anyway - はい。 はい。 No, I do _not_ think that the morning of a concert would be a good time - はい。　わかっています。。。 Well, what if I came home for New Year's, would that make you happy? No, this is not the tone that I use when I'm humoring the band..."

"Dat's trues, yous uses dat tones alls the times," Skwisgaar said. "Hey, waits -"

"Skwisgaar, it's rude to interrupt someone on the phone," said Charles as if he hadn't done exactly that. "All right. Yes, I'll stop by a store and get some. I'll see you then. Good-bye. _Good-bye_."

Skwisgaar snatched his phone back and said hopefully, "Who ams dis?", but the line was already dead. He turned an icy glare to Charles.

"It was a telemarketer," Charles said, by way of explanation.

"Whatevers."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Japanese lines, in order: "Do you know? Who your father is..."  
> "Ah? Excuse me -"  
> "Yes. Yes. ... - yes. I understand."


	3. Fatherklok 3: Fatherklok Strikes Back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Quick gift drabble for Lemone!

There had been no women in Skwisgaar's room for a day and a half. Charles was starting to worry.

"Why don't you say something to him," he said to Nathan, after he was certain Murderface was out of the room. "You managed to work things out last time somehow, and you have a very - you can be - well, you have strong hands. Like a father. Um."

Nathan stared at his hands, then looked at Charles. "Okay dude, if you're hitting on me that's a f@!king creepy way to do it."

"Never mind then."

"I mean I don't mind f@!king you, but not if you're going to start calling me daddy or sh!t like that, that's just not cool."

"I said _never mind_."


	4. A Very Ohtori New Year's

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Well, Charles did promise he'd come home for New Year's...

Akio didn't enjoy cooking any more than he loved the stars, but long ages of practice had made him quite competent at it, and it was understood that the kitchen was his domain, unless shaved ice was involved. It was a bit of a shock, then, to wake up one morning and go into the kitchen to make a pot of coffee and find Anthy already there, rolling dough into circles.

He rubbed his eyes with one elegant hand and said, "Anthy, what are you doing?"

"Making mochi, oniisama," she said calmly. "You said Charles-kun was visiting for New Year's, so I thought I would make mochi..."

"There's no need for that, my sweet imouto," said Akio, gallantly taking her hand and maneuvering her away from the dough. "Charles said he would buy mochi for us on the way here."

"Surely homemade mochi would be better, oniisama?"

_Surely not_, he thought. There was no telling what Anthy's mochi were capable of. He kept that thought to himself, however, and merely said, "Well, why don't we enjoy the mochi Charles brings first, and then if we run out we'll eat yours. Won't that be fair, imouto?"

"Yes, oniisama."

Deciding that coffee could wait until Anthy was quite finished with the mochi, Akio left for the main room, saw a large bag sitting by the elevator, and went straight back into the kitchen.

"Is something the matter, oniisama?" Anthy said.

"Did you go shopping this morning, imouto?"

"I thought it would be nice for New Year's if we all went down to the town festival together, and since Charles-kun doesn't have a yukata... I found a very nice brown one, I'm sure he'll like it."

Akio walked out and went back to bed.

* * *

  
"Just how many fish did you two win?"

"I caught ninety-two, oniisama."

"Ninety-nine. And a tail. I think someone was a little careless earlier."

The woman running the stall woefully surveyed her empty tank.

"What are you going to do with that many goldfish?" Akio asked.

"Orenji-san is lonely, I thought he would like some company," Anthy said.

"The boys have been talking about a new moat for Mordhaus - I'll take these down to the genetics lab and see what the engineers can make out of them."

Anthy said, "That seems a little cruel..."

"But they'll live much longer this way, Aunt Anthy," Charles said. "And with no natural predators. Hm, yes, I think we have prehistoric shark DNA on hand, that should do nicely..."

"What a clever idea, Charles-kun - I'm sure they'll turn out lovely."

"I think I'll go and find the sake stall," said Akio.

* * *

  
At some unclear time Charles Foster Ofdensen Ohtori woke up with a mild headache and lying on a couch.

This was not at all standard procedure for Charles, even if the general gloom and spiky theme meant he was safely back at Mordhaus, and the brown yukata was particularly worrisome. He sat up at once, checking that the robe hadn't slipped; it was thankfully still together, and at least the room seemed empty...

"Hey this sh!t is pretty good," said Nathan from behind him, and Charles most definitely did _not_ jump. He did, however, move with alacrity to the side of the couch farthest from Nathan, who was sitting at one end with an open bento box.

Blithely disregarding whatever faint notion of personal space he had, Nathan moved to that side of the couch too. He said, "No really, these're good, you should try one," and without warning grabbed a white lump from the box and shoved it into Charles's mouth.

Charles managed not to choke on it and spat the lump out into his hand. Mochi, homemade. Oh damn. "Nathan, what do you think you're doing, those aren't for get your hand out of there _right now_." Nathan had slid his hand up the yukata and onto Charles's thigh, which while not entirely objectionable was a really terrible idea when the rest of the band might walk in at any moment, and he _knew_ he should have thrown out those mochi before he returned home, except at the moment he couldn't even remember how he had returned to Mordhaus, let alone how he had come back with a bento filled with Aunt Anthy's mochi...

This had her fingerprints all over it.

Nathan had, mercifully, paused while thinking, and now said, "Well Murderface locked himself in his dungeon an' everyone else went to some New Year's party sh!t an' we're on our own and I wanna f%#k you."

"No, you don't," Charles said.

"Yes, I do."

"No, you actually don't."

"Yes, I really f%#king do."

Well, damn. He did love it when Nathan was - forceful... "Nathan. Nathan, get your tongue out of my ear and listen to me. You don't actually want to - uh - have relations right now, it's because of the mo- the white candy that you ate."

Nathan braced himself on the couch to think about it. "What?"

"What you were just eating," said Charles. "It's an aphrodisiac - that means it makes you, um, horny."

"I knew that," Nathan said. "I mean, not about the candy, what that word means - I knew that. I totally knew that."

"Uh-huh. So it's not that you actually want to f%#k, it's just the candy. Now let me up, I have to change before the rest of the boys get back."

"But I really wanna f%#k," said Nathan plaintively.

"We'll do that later, all right, I just don't want to take advantage of you - right now - because of the mochi..." _Damnit._ He certainly did.

"But I'm always drunk or something so that's like kind of the same thing, isn't it," Nathan said, working through the reasoning. "And we do it anyway so it doesn't matter just because it's candy this time. And - uhhhhhhhhhhhhh -"

"What."

"I really like your dress, can we just f%#k already."

Charles gave up. "For the record, I tried. There's lube under the coffee table."


End file.
